Anger management for kids

Before we have kids, we may think we know everything about raising children and often criticize parents whose offspring seem to be out of control. Once we become parents we realize just how much we don't know, especially with regard to discipline. It's been said that people should be required to take classes or have a license to become parents. And that parents need to be consistent and on the same page.

Decide now to be proactive in educating yourself to be an excellent and skilled father or mother.

My children, who are now in their 20s, are completely awesome. As their mom, I like to think I did some things right as they were growing up. I did take parenting classes through my church, I read books, and periodicals, I networked with other moms. One of my favorite resources was Parents Magazine.

As for anger in children. I work with children in an inpatient psychiatric setting. I see many angry youngsters, ages 5 - 18. There are many reasons their anger has gotten out of control. Poor role models, abusive backgrounds, mental disorders, and being just plain spoiled. One of the most common explanations I hear from these kids is that they blow up if they don't get their way.

What can you do?

Be a model for calmness and limit what your children watch in the media. Reactions to anger are LEARNED.

Here's an example provided by Michele Borba, EdD: "Suppose you get a phone call from the auto shop saying your car estimate has now doubled. You're furious, and standing nearby is your child now watching you very closely. Muster every ounce of calmness and use it as an instant anger control lesson for your child: "I am so [frustrated] right now" you calmly tell your child. "The auto shop just doubled the price for fixing my car." Then offer a calm-down solution: "I'm going on a quick walk so I can get back in control." Your example is what your child will copy." (parents.com)

Develop and use a feelings vocabulary.  Instead of hitting, kicking, swearing, spitting, biting, or throwing things, use your words! I subscribe to the theory that anger is a secondary emotion, meaning we almost always feel something right before we feel angry. We may feel afraid, sad, embarrassed, guilty, offended, disrespected, trapped, forced, etc. If you can learn to identify the primary emotion, instances of anger may be avoided. Below is an example I use with my young clients.

Click here for a list of emotions and their definitions.

Brainstorm acceptable behavior to use when anger arises. Ideas are to count to 10 (or 100, if that's what it takes), walk away, relax your muscles, run a lap, hit a pillow, write in your journal, listen to music, color, draw pictures, talk to someone, do jumping jacks, take deep breaths (in through the nose and out through the mouth, like sniffing a flower, and blowing out a candle), etc.

Learn to recognize the physical signs of anger. Does your child purse his lips, clench his fists, get red in the face?  When he can recognize these early signs of anger, he may be able to calm down easier and faster.

Above all, praise your child's good behavior. Don't wait for your child to display negative behavior, give positive attention frequently to help your child negative emotions in check.

If your child's anger leads to aggressive behavior, you need to intervene. Set limits, follow-through, and forgive.

Cease From Anger - Quiz about being patient and forgiving